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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 17, 2017 12:35am-1:37am EDT

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>> philly kevin hart has a tron celebrate he has his own day in philadelphia. >> july 6 is kevin hart day that happens to be his birth day. before he became a super star he grew up in norm philadelphia and graduated from george washington high school and he's in town filming his latest mov movie. lauren. >> lauren. >> the weekend is almost upon us the last weekend ever the winter season and high temperatures will be mild average in the 40s saturday and surprised and have a couple of doses of snow not amounting to
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much and light wintry mix change over to rain showers and as we head into surprised we could see snow showers around especially in the best chas of that east of i-95. and we'll
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>> thanks for staying up late us with our morning team is back from 4:30 to 7, for everyone here i'm ukee washington. >> and i'm jessica dean. >> good morning, family, sleep
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>> good morning, family, sleep well. ♪ >> my fellow americans. as you know, march madness is upon us. as such, my administration has declared march madness awareness month. under my new health care plan, i will provide ground breaking march medication to cure this madness once and for all. thank you. march is also the time for college basketball, which i am a huge fan of. believe me, i do not fake the funk, people. let's go to the bracket. ♪ first off, you see gonzaga here. don't like their chances. in fact, the country of gonzaga is next in line for the travel
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bafnlt thosego gonzagaens are bd home rays. duke is looking good with grayson allen. i will be donating one box of expired trump steaks to the homeless every time you trip a player on the court. thank you for your service. and, of course, the big winner of the month will be -- judge neil gorsuch! ♪ he's a tremendous choice. you don't even deserve him. all right. play basketball. ( horn ) oh, crap. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight, stephen welcomes: joe scarborough. kate upton. and yvette nicole brown. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: what's up? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ wooo! hey! ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey, hey, hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is an exciting day-- exciting day for president trump, because he went on a field trip! to the museum of african american history. he was so worried steve bannon wouldn't sign his permission slip. ( laughter ) he got to go. he got to go. you been down there? >> jon: yeah, i've been down there. >> stephen: haven't been yet. i heard it's incredible,
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tremendous. now, trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on martin luther king day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. it's understandable. as dr. king himself so famously said: ( laughter ) ( applause ) stirring. stirring. i believe obama called that "the fierce urgency of now. or later." now, at the end of the tour, trump honored the greatest figures in african american history, like sojourner truth, booker t. washington and ben carson. ( laughter ) >> i love this guy. he's a great guy, really a great guy. and he can tell you better than me, but i'll tell you what, we really started something with ben. >> stephen: yes, trump really started something by hiring ben carson. it is the greatest achievement for african americans since... about four weeks ago when we had a black president. ( cheers and applause )
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but since then-- but since then-- since then. pretty good since then. and make no mistake-- as secretary of housing and urban development, ben carson has his work cut out for him. >> hud has a meaning far beyond housing. if properly done, it's a meaning that's as big as anything there is. and ben will be able to find that true meaning and the true meaning of hud, as its secretary. >> stephen: yes. i believe ben carson will find the true meaning of hud. ( laughter ) just like in the beloved children's story: "how the grinch stole housing." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) so good. with cindy lou who? >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: along with carson, trump recognized other african americans serving in government. he honored them the only way he knows how.
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>> i also want to thank senator tim scott for joining us today, a friend of mine, a great, great senator from south carolina. i like the state of south carolina. i like all those states where i won by double, double, double digits, you know, those states. >> stephen: yes, he loves those states where he won by double, double, double digits. but he seems to hate the country where he lost by millions, millions, millions of votes. ( cheers and applause ) he's still president! he's still president. doesn't mean he's not president. he's still president. he's just a loser president. ( laughter ) now, the department of homeland security today told us how they're going to enforce the president's executive orders on immigration, and it cannot come soon enough, folks, because just last week, hunters in texas were wounded in a gunfight near the border when, they say, immigrants illegally crossed in from mexico, converging on their camp in the middle of the night, and tried to rob them.
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both men are recovering, but it's an unbelievable story... in that you should not believe it because it was all a lie. ( laughter ) turns out they shot each other. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, wow. yeah, they shot each other. they shot each other. the truth hurts. not as much as those bullets, but still. apparently, one of the guys, named walker dougherty, was out walking around and then, as he returned to camp, he thought that illegals were in the r.v. waiting to kidnap his friends. but instead of announcing himself, he tried opening the door, and that's when his fellow hunter inside the r.v., edwin roberts, fired off a round. it's like the old joke: "knock, knock!" blam, blam, blam! ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's how it goes? ( cheers and applause ) knock, knock. blam, blam, blam. why did the chicken cross the road? to get away from the gunfight. ( laughter )
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now, from the beginning, the sheriff said that there was no evidence illegal immigrants were involved, but that did not stop texas agriculture commissioner and cartoon of a texas agriculture commissioner, sid miller. he spread the story to his 400,000 facebook followers saying that america needs to build the wall because: ( laughter ) man, the immigration problem has gotten so bad, even he can't speak english. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, speaking of-- speaking of immigration, last thursday was something called, "a day without immigrants. which i-- ( cheers and applause ) you guys know about it? you know about this? i didn't know. i didn't really know about this. i thought that's what trump called it when melania stays in new york. ( laughter ) but it turns out-- he misses her, because he misses her.
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but it turns out, a day without immigrants is when a lot of immigrants all over the country didn't go to work to protest trump's border policies. but now it turns out a lot of those employees who participated in the protest got fired. for instance, in oklahoma, the owner of the "i don't care bar and grill" fired 12 line cooks, and said: ( laughter ) okay. fair enough. but if that's the case, they should really change the name to the: "selectively anal bar and grill." ( laughter ) by the way, please, i beg you, do not google "selectively anal bar and grill." but do try the jalapeno poppers. now, we are-- what are we, a month? it's a month? last friday was a month. we are a month into trump's presidency. and for those of you-- ( audience booing ) for those of you-- pace yourself. it's only one month, people.
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( laughter ) you've got to pace yourself. for those of you keeping score at home, donald trump has gone golfing six times. six times in 30 days. that does explain the bumper sticker on air force one: ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, we know-- golf. golf. golf claps. golf claps. now, we know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that trump played golf each time he went to the course. sure, he could be on the course for any reason. we know he loves making fun of people's handicaps! ( laughter ) ( applause ) that deserves a golf clap. oooh. but i know why they're dodging. when trump was on the campaign trail, he said this: >> i'm going to be working for you. i'm not going to have time to go play golf. >> stephen: well, then that's good news!
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if trump has time to be out on the golf course, i guess that means america is great again. also there's news from a different world leader you didn't vote for, out there-- pope francis. yesterday the pope gave a speech to students and addressed a vexing theological issue, texting at dinner. okay, teens? i hope you're happy. you and your texting is why we have wars. now, go clean your room before you start a pestilence. ( laughter ) just wait until your holy father comes home. ( cheers and applause ) just wait. this isn't new. this is an ancient problem. even jesus did it at the last supper. and francis isn't done with you young people because the pope also chided today's youths for
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their lack of manners, saying that instead of a friendly "good morning," they opt for an "anonymous 'ciao, ciao.'" not only are you teens being rude, you also sound super pretentious. ( laughter ) ciao ciao, il papa. ( laughter ) ciao, ciao. i have to go zoom, zoom on my scooter for another teeny tiny espresso. beep, beep! ciao, ciao. ciao, ciao. ciao, ciao. ( cheers and applause ) ciao, ciao. i don't get-- francis was supposed to be the cool pope, but now it seems like he's turning into curmudgeon the first. wait a minute, that gives me an idea for a new premium cable tv show: "old pope." and i believe we have a clip. >> dramatic scene at st. peter's today as the faithful gathered to hear the new old pope's message of hope. >> hey, you kids, get off of my lawn.
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i'm keeping this frisbee. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. joe scarborough is here, and kate upton will join us later as well. stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! yeah! wooo! >> stephen: folks, thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, my first
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guest tonight is the host of msnbc's "morning joe." please welcome, joe scarborough. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: so, as you know, i'm an ardent viewer of your show. >> right. >> stephen: i watch the "coffee joe morning." >> every day. big fan from way back. >> stephen: we call you "coffee joe morning" over here. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, and "coffee joe morning" and the brew crew, we call you guys over there. how's mika? >> she's doing great. >> stephen: yeah? >> well-- >> stephen: are you the cohost-- are you guys cohosting or are you the host and she's your cohost? >> it's actually "morning mika." i commandeered it. let me tell you something: she's in charge. >> stephen: she is? >> she's always been in charge >> stephen: i understand she's
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the one who banned kellyanne conway from coming on your show. >> she has, she has. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's strong. that's a strong move. so, so what you're saying is-- >> wait a second. so, i recognize most of these people here from the republican convention this summer. >> stephen: yes. all in cleveland. they're all from cleveland. >> there's one guy with a nascar shirt in the back. i think that may be the only republican in here. but yeah-- >> stephen: mika makes those calls? if i want to be on the show-- can i be on the show? >> you have to ask mika. >> stephen: that's what i want to ask. do i have to stay on mika's good side? >> yes, you do. i mean, actually, it got to a point where kellyanne would keep coming out and everything she said was disproven, like, five minutes later. it wasn't disproven by a fact checker, it was somebody else in the administration that would come out and say, "well, actually, no, that's not true." >> stephen: there's a quicker way to say that in an entire sentence. >> which is? >> stephen: she just lied. >> well, yes, exactly. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you think-- here's a question for you.
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you might know this because you know the inside scoop on the white house, right? like, the president calls you every morning and says, "what should i think, joe?" right? because he calls you-- i know he watches your show. we know he watches your show every day. >> we think he does, based on his twitter feed, yes. >> stephen: yeah, that's the only way we know anything about donald trump. ( laughs ) >> exactly. >> stephen: we know he's fine right now because of his twitter feed. >> well, it's been kind of silent. but, yeah, he has watched the show for years. >> stephen: yeah. >> kind of goes in waves. >> stephen: yeah. >> even when he claims he's not watching the show and he's sending out nasty tweets about us, we'll always look at the camera and say, "donald, we know you're not watching the show, but how you doing?" >> stephen: you don't say, "donald," right? you say, "mr. president," right? ( laughter ) >> you know... >> stephen: even i say, "mr. president." >> we're in a transition. i mean-- >> stephen: what do you mean? you're in a transition from being buddies-- >> we as a country are in a transition. >> stephen: oh, i thought you were in a transition. >> i'm trying to figure out. he's been donald trump forever. he's been donald forever, you know?
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so it's kind of hard to start calling him mr. president. and i'll be really honest with you. >> stephen: yes? >> the way he's acted over the past month has made it even harder to call him "mr. president." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you-- i'm sorry. >> no, listen: i'm a republican. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and i'm a conservative. but-- like you, and i'm not being sort of shmaltzy here, but i'm an american. >> stephen: sure. >> and i didn't vote for bill clinton. the guy drove me absolutely crazy. but when he put his hand up and he saluted or gave his oath, i was cheering for him. i think we as americans should not cheer against our president, like rush limbaugh said he was doing with barack obama. i actually think we should pray for our president. but that requires all of us as americans to do what we can, when a president is not doing what he needs to be doing, to stand up and do our part too.
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and right now, i think it's the responsibility of all americans, especially republicans-- and let me say this-- especially republicans in the senate-- that, when you have a president of the united states-- ( cheers and applause ) when you have a president of the united states that questions judicial review and questions the legitimacy of a federal judge, to stand up and say, "this is not right, and we're going to call it out." when you have a president that actually questions free speech, the first amendment, and news organizations that are doing their job, i think it's incumbent upon my party, especially, to stand up right now and speak out. because, i always say this, of everybody that gets into the white house-- you think you're at the center of the world now? you don't own this place. you are renting this place out. the american people are letting you have this. the republican party needs to know that there is going to be a time after donald trump, and they are going to be judged for the next 50 years on how they responded to the challenges of today. ( cheers and applause )
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come on, what are you doing? >> stephen: you were absolutely going for that. you were totally going for that. listen, i wish-- hey, over here. over here! >> hey! can you get me balls? i'm going to juggle now. i've got them going. go ahead. >> stephen: i wish i shared your optimism that there will be a time after donald trump. ( laughter ) but right now i'm a little worried. do you think-- who do you think is calling the shots over there? i have heard that, like, steve bannon is driving the bus. obviously, the president is on the bus, but bannon is inviting people on and off the bus. stephen miller is on the bus. and then reince priebus doesn't necessarily want to get on the bus because he believes in, believes in government, and then maybe mike pence has to clean up the bus when it hits a pedestrian or something-- >> i don't understand this bus thing. >> stephen: you don't? are you on the bus or off the bus, joe? >> i-- i-- you just confused me. i can tell you this: knowing
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donald trump-- they always say, who is the last person in the room that influences donald trump? donald trump is always the last person in the room. donald trump is the person that makes the choices. i think right now we have a tale of two administrations. you look at the foreign policy advisers that he's put out there, they're pretty solid. >> stephen: mcmaster seems like one of the best decisions that trump has made. >> great decision. the secretary of defense, mattis. a lot of people think he got him just because his nickname was "mad dog." somebody said that he thought he was getting patton, but in the end, he ended up getting a real statesman and somebody like general marshall. but you look at the foreign policy team, he has strong people, actually, will give him great advice. we can relax about that. my bigger problem is the inside circle. there is nobody in this administration that can go in and tell this president "no." that's bad. it's happened with past administrations, but since he has no government experience, he needs that, and we need that as a country.
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somebody that's got the guts to go in and stand up and say, "this is wrong, this won't work." instead you have people like stephen miller-- or as mika calls him, "the little dictator," going on sunday morning shows-- think about that for a second. >> stephen: we have no idea how large his dictator is. ( laughter ) >> i think that may have been mika's suggestion, that we don't. he goes on tv and says the president of the united states can't be questioned. >> stephen: will not be questioned. >> will not be questioned. i'm sorry, that's a little frightening. >> stephen: yeah. >> actually, that's very frightening. that's scary as hell. >> stephen: i understand that, if you compliment donald trump, he likes you pretty instantly. and that if you say something not nice about him, he dislikes you almost instantly. >> you know, i hear a lot of people say that-- >> stephen: you know him, right? you knew him before he was president. >> just to put it all out on the table, one of the interesting things about our relationship throughout the years is, i've always been able to be very blunt with him, given him some really tough advice.
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when he was talking about giuliani or bolton as being secretary of state, you know, we were having a friendly conversation. i said, "well, yeah, you can pick them as secretary of state. just know that mika and i will absolutely kill you on the show for the next four years." we, of course, said it on tv too. there's never anything we say in person that we don't say on tv. but-- >> stephen: really? ( laughter ) so there's nothing you're going to say to me when the camera goes off that you won't say right now? >> i swear a lot more to him off camera, and i'm a little more emphatic. chris has seen that. a little more emphatic. but he doesn't-- there just aren't a lot of people that actually have the nerve in the inner circle to stand up and-- >> stephen: why don't you apply for a job, joe? >> well, i am. i'm going to play with your band. that's my job. >> stephen: we'll see. ( cheers and applause ) we'll see. we have another act to this. we have to take a little break. we'll be right back with more joe scarborough. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. we're here with joe scarborough. now, joe. >> yes. >> stephen: we were talking before the break about your bestie, donald trump. >> yup. >> stephen: now, do you think this is a sustainable atmosphere we're in right now? because i feel like-- i was walking around this weekend thinking, like, "i don't know whether it's the emotion or the divisiveness or just some sort of general vibe in the country. this doesn't feel like it can go on at this fever pitch for a long time." >> it just can't. and i'll tell you, there are so many people-- republicans and democrats alike-- people that have voted for him, people who didn't vote for him, that all agree, this-- this pace just can't be sustained. >> stephen: will donald trump make it all four years of his term? >> that's up to donald trump. i mean-- >> stephen: what do you-- what do you think, joe? >> well, i think if he continues the way he continued the first month, i just don't think it's
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sustainable. and i don't think it will last four years. >> stephen: or will we just get used to it? will we just build a callous on our soul? >> so, here's the problem. >> stephen: our soul will begin to look like a big toe. >> i think we've already done that. i think we've already died a million deaths already the first month. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you think the republicans will stand up to him? because right now, it feels like the republicans feel like they have a tiger-- they can ride the tiger. they can sort of control trump, get what they want, and then hop off before the toboggan hits the tree. >> you know, that's actually not-- >> stephen: i started with the tiger and moved toboggan, i realized. ( laughter ) you know what i mean, though: they feel they can get what they need out of him and not get hurt by the rides. >> you go from buses to toboggans to tigers. i don't know what the hell is coming up next, but it's very frightening. no, that's not what they're saying behind closed doors. they're very worried about how erratic he's been. of course, they'd like to pass tax cuts. they'd like to pass regulatory reform. they'd like to have their own health care reform plan out
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there, but they're concerned. you know, i was interviewing mitch mcconnell. mitch don't give up anything that he doesn't want to give up. and three or four times i asked him a question, he gave me the political answer, i was ready to go to the next and he basically kept talking. and he said some things that were very heartening, talking about the importance of judicial review, talking about the importance of the president focusing his message, staying off of twitter, stopping with the distractions. >> stephen: that's a pretty low bar to feel hopeful about, though. ( applause ) >> well, right now-- >> stephen: that's really, that's a minimum-- >> right now that's all we've got. >> stephen: functional democracy is a low bar, my man. >> it's all we've got. i will say this though: i really did, and i'm dead serious here, it hit me how grave the situation was this past weekend when the president said what he said about the press this weekend. ben sass, who is a republican from nebraska, who has spoken out against donald trump, actually tweeted the first amendment. and i was excited.
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i retweeted it and said, "yeah, give it to him." and i said, "wait a second, in 2017, it seems a subversive act to simply tweet the words of the first amendment." that tells you-- and i'm dead serious-- that tells you where we are right now. i hope the president corrects, and i hope he makes more decisions like he made with general mcmaster. that's good. i hope he stays off of twitter. but if he doesn't i think we all have to, again, do our part as americans. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, i know one of the things you do to blow off steam, to relax yourself at the end of the night is, you play the guitar, right? >> oh, thank god. i thought you were going to talk about my heroin problem. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no. that's the next time you're here. >> i play guitar as well. >> stephen: i understand you have a band called morning joe music. is that true? >> well, it was of the first thing that came to mind. >> stephen: yes? >> yes. >> stephen: would you play something for us right now? >> well, i would love to.
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( cheers and applause ) i hear you're an elvis costello fan. >> stephen: i'm a huge elvis costello fan. >> so, i love elvis, always have, and i've never played, "what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding." the words, though, are so appropriate right now. >> stephen: all right, is there any chance you have already rehearsed with the band? >> no, i haven't. guys, any of you-- have you heard the song? >> jon: nope! never heard it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: would you please-- >> let's do it in "g!" ♪ ♪ >> stephen: joe scarborough, everybody. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ as i walk through this wicked world
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, this week, my guest is the cover for the "sports illustrated swimsuit issue" for the third time. please welcome kate upton! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: so it's not just one cover this time.
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it's three covers. >> three covers. >> stephen: now, i want to go over these covers here because i need you to explain a couple of things to me. ( laughter ) because i don't understand-- i don't understand everything about it, but i'm sure you have the inside scoop. so you have three covers, your third time, so it's six covers altogether. >> i'm not sure they're counting it like that-- >> stephen: they're counting. >> okay. >> stephen: i'll talk to the judges afterwards. okay, so here's your first-- here's one of the three covers right here. there you go. there's one of the covers. ( cheers and applause ) that's beautiful. where was this shot? >> in fiji. >> stephen: in fiji? >> yeah. >> stephen: had you been to fiji before? >> no, it was my first time. it was absolutely beautiful there. i was able to go snorkeling the first day. i have to say, it wasn't a bad shoot. >> stephen: no, pretty nice. now, i want to point out that you have a necklace around your neck, and a necklace around your waist. um, there is no bathing suit involved in this shoot at all. >> yes. >> stephen: yeah, okay.
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>> which is, i guess, weird, since it's a swimsuit magazine. it's really for the fashion. this magazine is really for the fashion. >> stephen: exactly. here's one, this one, there's a little bit more. >> you don't wear a jacket to the beach? >> stephen: i always wear a jacket to the beach. i always wear a matador jacket in case a bull charges me. >> yeah, that's good. >> stephen: you actually have a bathing suit bottom on there. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, now this one i particularly liked. this one right here, things really go off the rails. ( laughter ) >> well, you know, this is a one-piece, so-- >> stephen: it is, it is. >> lots of coverage. >> stephen: this is why you really have to cut up those plastic soda can rings before you toss them out. ( laughter ) you look like a-- you look absolutely beautiful, but a little bit like a sea turtle that got swept up in a fishing net. fantastic. now, i want to point something out. these are three absolutely beautiful covers. >> thank you. >> stephen: i would not look nearly this good in any of these outfits. but i do want to point out, here we go-- here we go-- here's one of your covers.
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this is the ad on the back of "sports illustrated." this chest of drawers is wearing more bathing suit than you are on the back. ( laughter ) >> well, you know, it needs more coverage, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: yeah, well, i have a question about modeling. >> okay. >> stephen: because i don't know a lot about modeling. you, obviously, are blessed with excellent bone structure and-- but there's a lot of work that goes into modeling as well. you have to keep yourself fit. you have to know something about keeping your composure in all situations. what's the hardest thing to do? like, what's the hardest situation you have been in, where you have to sort of keep your composure and model? >> i guess the hardest shoot i've ever been on is probably when i went to antarctica, which was my last cover with "sports illustrated." >> stephen: i remember that one. i think we have-- okay, yeah, this is-- this is you in antarctica. >> another great place to wear a bikini. ( laughs ) >> stephen: right, exactly. why did you go to antarctica? just for the penguins?
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>> well, that year's magazine theme was to go to all seven continents wearing a bikini in all seven continents. and i was the lucky model who got to go to antarctica. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so someone-- someone went to fiji that year, too? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: and you went to antarctica. >> i really envied them. >> stephen: well, you are engaged to justin verlander of the detroit tigers. >> yes. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you! >> stephen: now, do they-- when someone is a super model, do they just go harvest an athlete and deliver him to you? ( laughter ) "let's get you somebody good. have verlander washed and brought to her tent." she wants somebody good. >> um, yes! that's exactly how it happens. ( laughs ) >> stephen: so are you also sporty? like, because guys who are into sports probably need somebody sporty. do you have a sport of your own? >> yes, i was actually a competitive horseback rider. >> stephen: wow, so you could
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outride him. >> well, he's actually terrified of horses. >> stephen: for good reason, they're giant and they'll bite you. >> don't be on his side about this. he's scared. >> stephen: they could tramp >> doubtful. >> stephen: they could! you're not scared of horses at all? >> no. they're beautiful animals who are very healing. >> stephen: who can smell fear. >> yeah, and they smell it-- >> stephen: they can smell fear. well, i know the wedding-- when is the wedding, by the way? >> i don't know. >> stephen: you haven't set a date? oh, you've got to nail him down. you've got to nail him down. well, you just posted this-- do you mind if i show this? >> yeah. >> stephen: you just posted this, and it is your wedding notes, and it says, "this is @justin verlander and me planning our wedding. fun! party!" down here it says, "tequila? food?" ( laughter )
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can i recommend food before the tequila, or else just add the word "fist fight" at the bottom of it. ( laughter ) >> i think we were more wondering, what food, what tequila. there's definitely-- >> stephen: there's definitely going to be tequila? >> definitely. >> stephen: like, shots? >> i mean, i hear weddings are very stressful. ( laughter ) >> stephen: especially if you're hammered on tequila. ( laughs ) well, good luck with the wedding. i'm sure it will be beautiful, whenever it is. >> yeah, thank you. >> stephen: tell him to stay away from the horses and congratulations on your covers. >> thank you so much. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the "sports illustrated swimsuit issue" is available now. kate upton, everybody. we'll be right back with yvette nicole brown. stick around. oh, did i say there's only one special edition? because, actually there's five. ooohh!! aaaahh!! uh! hooooly mackerel. wow. nice. strength and style. it's truck month. get 0% financing for 60 months
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a very funny actress and comedian who you know from "community" and "the odd couple." please welcome yvette nicole brown! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> hey! hi, stephen! >> stephen: hi, yvette nicole brown. >> how are you? i'm so excited to be here with you. >> stephen: i'm so happy to see you. now, you have been in and on everything. "community," "the odd couple," "the office," "boston legal," "two and a half men," "chuck," "house," "psych," "that '70s show," "entourage," "curb your enthusiasm." but i know you from donors choose. >> donors choose, this amazing charity that we're both on the board for-- ( cheers and applause ) hey, donors choose. >> stephen: people at home-- tell the people how it works. >> donors choose is this great organization where teachers who are in need, they need crayons or books for their students, they can say, "can you give me $5 towards this or $2 towards this?" it's called donors choose because we are the donors and we get to choose. >> stephen: any classroom-- >> any classroom, any project-- >> stephen: any school system in the united states. >> any amount, any amount. >> stephen: incredible. >> yeah, it's kind of a love letter to teachers and students and we both have a heart for teachers and students. >> stephen: and the best part is you actually get a letter back
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from the students who received-- >> you get thank you notes. >> stephen: who received the donations, or got the books or the crayons. do you have a favorite? >> my favorite is actually the first classroom i funded. they just wanted-- the teacher just wanted a 64-box of crayons for each of her students. now, i don't know if anybody in here grew up poor, but if you grew up poor, that 64-box of crayons with the sharpener, you have made it. you are ballin' out of control. so when i thought about these babies, the idea of them each having their own box, it just-- i was like, "this is the one. this is the one i want to fund first." and then i got all my thank you notes in crayons. ( crowd awws ) "dear miss brown, thank you." it's just-- you guys, go to donorschoose.org, it will change your life. it will change your life. >> stephen: it's beautiful, absolutely beautiful-- support the schools. >> yes. >> stephen: while we still have them. >> while we still have them. because betsy is dangerous. she's out there. she's on the run. >> stephen: you were tweeting today. >> i did tweet today. >> stephen: you were tweeting today about the president being down at the national museum of
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african american history and culture. and-- ( laughter ) this is your tweet. if you wouldn't me mind reading this. >> stephen: black folks, you read this one. ( cheers and applause ) >> no. >> stephen: no. better than not going down. give the man some credit. >> is it? >> stephen: better than not going down. >> is it? >> stephen: i don't know. >> listen, listen, everything is not all better because you take a picture in front of martin luther king. i need everybody to understand that. this is not a game. ( cheers and applause ) i don't like my people, especially ones that have done great things for, you know, civil rights, to be used as props. and if you're going to do a press-- a photo-op, i need you in front of slavery or something really gritty so that when they ask you a question you are standing in front of someone in chains and you can be really honest about all the horrible things you have said about black and brown people. do it in front of somebody in chains. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, you-- you-- as i said, you've done a lot of
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things, but you always say you limit yourself to p.g. roles. >> stephen: i do. >> why the p.g.? >> well, i made a decision early in my career when i started to do "drake and josh." ( cheers and applause ) yes! and, um, that was a decision i made to be on a kids' show, and when you're on a kids' show, they kind of run it every five years. it starts over. so every five years, i get a new group of 12-year-olds going "oh, my god, i loved you on 'drake and josh.'" so i kind of felt like since i made a decision to be on a kids' show, i need to be careful what i choose to do, so the babies don't get confused. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so they don't see you and go, "oh, let's watch this." and then you're-- >> and then i'm like, whoo! here is the thing-- >> stephen: got to learn somewhere, yvette nicole brown, got to learn somewhere. >> no, i'm very p.g.-13 myself. i'm pretty mcprude. my friends call me baby jesus. so-- ( laughter ) i'm very-- kind of, you know-- i don't need to be thrown against a wall. i'm a kind of person where, if it's a love scene, just kiss and fade to black. i know what they're doing. i know what they're doing, stephen colbert. >> stephen: no "50 shades" stuff. >> i have never seen. no, i can't do it! ( laughter )

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